Messages · 07700 900 517
Clementine 🐎
2020
Saturday 12 September
You: hi is this laura? got your number off the yard group
You: you're the new chestnut
You: sorry I headbutted you in the paddock. thought you were Tansy. she owes me a tenner
Clementine 🐎: Oh! Hi. That was you?
Clementine 🐎: I thought it was some sort of initiation
You: no just tansy. you'll know her when she nicks your carrots
Clementine 🐎: I've got a bruise the size of a satsuma
You: welcome to ashby x
Sunday 13 September
Clementine 🐎: Is it normal to ache in places I didn't know had muscles
You: lunge day?
Clementine 🐎: Two hours
You: lol. epsom salts. and stretch your hamstrings or you'll walk like a duck tomorrow
Clementine 🐎: I'm at my desk writing up a bungalow in Woking and I can't feel my legs
You: on a SUNDAY
Clementine 🐎: Also is it normal to get that wet at inspection. Mrs D had to wipe her hand on her jodhpurs
You: if you're not that wet you're doing it wrong
You: she's had her hand up half the county. she does not care
Saturday 19 September
Clementine 🐎: First day in the full harness. The crotch strap has rubbed me raw
You: chamois cream. the expensive one. and make them be generous
Clementine 🐎: Kev did it. He applied it like he was icing a fairy cake
You: kev is useless. ask for sam. sam gets right in there
Clementine 🐎: I'm not sure I can survive Sam
You: you'll survive sam. you'll just have to stand very still
Saturday 26 September
Clementine 🐎: I drooled on Mrs D's boots
Clementine 🐎: Properly. A string of it
You: what did she say
Clementine 🐎: "Better out than in" and wiped them on the back of my leg
You: that's the nicest she's ever been to anyone
Wednesday 30 September
You: can you bring my spare bit sat. think I left it in your trunk
Clementine 🐎: The one with the teeth marks?
You: they've all got teeth marks
Thursday 8 October
You: dev is being weird
Clementine 🐎: Weird how
You: careful. like I'm made of glass
You: did my test last sat and he barely touched the whip. went round like he was walking a spaniel
Clementine 🐎: Did you say anything?
You: I'm not allowed to say anything that's the whole point
You: and at home he keeps asking if I'm ok. in bed. halfway through
Clementine 🐎: Maybe he's just being nice?
You: I didn't let him collar me for nice
You: last night he lit a CANDLE
You: I wanted to be bent over the wheelie bin and he lit a candle
Clementine 🐎: Scented?
You: fig. I'll never forgive him
Saturday 17 October
Clementine 🐎: Got put out with the greys today
You: oh no
Clementine 🐎: The tall one bit my tail. My actual borrowed tail. Nearly had it out
You: what did you do
Clementine 🐎: Bit her back
You: LAURA
Clementine 🐎: On the shoulder. Not hard
You: you're never going out with the greys again you know that
Clementine 🐎: Good
You: mrs d will put it on your card in red pen
Tuesday 20 October
Clementine 🐎: Electrolysis session two at the vet. I want to die
You: worth it. no more shaving the night before a show and coming out in a rash at inspection
Clementine 🐎: Mrs D drove me. Waiting room was me, two puppygirls and a kitten on a lead
Clementine 🐎: The kitten hissed at me the whole time
You: kittens hate ponies. it's a known thing
Clementine 🐎: One of the puppygirls stuck her nose in my crotch and her owner just said "sorry, she's friendly"
Clementine 🐎: Then forty minutes on my labia with Radio 2 on
You: popmaster?
Clementine 🐎: I got four questions right with my legs in stirrups
You: iconic
Monday 2 November
You: just come off nights and realised I did the whole shift with bit lines on my face
Clementine 🐎: Did anyone say anything?
You: old boy in bay 4 asked if I'd been at the races
You: said sort of. turns out his wife used to show, back in the sixties
You: he talked about her till 3am. had a photo of her in his wallet, full tack, rosette and everything
Clementine 🐎: That's lovely
You: best night shift I've had in months
Friday 13 November
Clementine 🐎: Mrs D's got me on no finishing till Saturday. A real judge is coming to do a practice inspection
Clementine 🐎: Day two. I'm losing my mind
You: welcome to the club. day three is worse
Clementine 🐎: Dave from structural just said good girl because I found him a file
Clementine 🐎: My knees actually went. Had to go and stand in the stairwell till they worked again
You: hold on till saturday. it's worth it I promise
Sunday 6 December
Clementine 🐎: Measured my hair. If I don't cut it I'll have enough to make my own tail by spring 2022
You: my own tail?
Clementine 🐎: Matched. Mine. No more borrowed ginger
You: you've done a spreadsheet haven't you
Clementine 🐎: ...
You: LAURA
Clementine 🐎: It's got a growth rate column
Monday 14 December
Clementine 🐎: Ordered my own bit. 11.5. Engraved
You: engraved with what
Clementine 🐎: My initials. Mrs D says that's vanity
You: mrs d has her name on her wellies
Sunday 27 December
Clementine 🐎: My mother asked when I'm going to stop playing ponies
You: what did you say
Clementine 🐎: When she stops playing golf
You: good
Clementine 🐎: Then I went and cried in the downstairs loo
You: oh love
You: you went to ashby because you wanted it. you don't need her to get it
You: and you're the best mover on the yard. mrs d said so. to ME
Clementine 🐎: She didn't
You: "the chestnut moves like she's got somewhere to be"
You: from mrs d that's basically a sonnet
2021
Saturday 6 February
You: an hour in paddock 2 in the sleet. I've lost all feeling in my nipples
Clementine 🐎: Mine went blue. I don't know how you stand it with bells on
You: mrs d only brought us in because sam complained
Clementine 🐎: Sam is a saint
You: and sam warmed his hands up before he rubbed us down
Saturday 20 February
You: dev's asked if I want a season off
Clementine 🐎: Do you?
You: no!!
You: he thinks I'm tired. I'm not tired I'm BORED
Clementine 🐎: Tell him
You: how. I can't exactly write it on a test sheet
Clementine 🐎: You're a nurse. Write him a care plan
You: stop it
Friday 12 March
Clementine 🐎: Date update
You: go on
Clementine 🐎: Accountant. Nice shoes. Asked what I do at weekends so I told him
Clementine 🐎: He asked if I'd "do the noises" for him
You: no
Clementine 🐎: In the restaurant
You: NO
Clementine 🐎: I'm home. I've had a bath. I've deleted the app
Saturday 17 April
Clementine 🐎: Surveyed a cottage near Lewes on Wednesday. Old brick stable block
You: and?
Clementine 🐎: And nothing. Lovely joists
You: was the owner fit
Clementine 🐎: ...
You: LAURA
Clementine 🐎: He held a torch for me at the bottom of the loft ladder for forty minutes and didn't say a word about my skirt
You: so he looked
Clementine 🐎: Obviously he looked
Clementine 🐎: I'd have been offended if he hadn't
Thursday 27 May
Clementine 🐎: I've got a white stripe round my hips where the harness goes and the rest of me is pink
You: welcome to summer. you'll have that till october
Clementine 🐎: I had a client meeting today in a linen dress and I could feel the outline the whole time
You: lie in the garden more. you'll even out by august
Sunday 13 June
Clementine 🐎: Came out at lunchtime. Guess who Mrs D's got holding the greys on Sundays
You: who
Clementine 🐎: Torch man
You: NO
Clementine 🐎: Cottage man. Stood there all morning with two of them on the end of a rope, talking to them like he was apologising
You: did he see you
Clementine 🐎: I was in my box. He doesn't know I exist
You: but you watched him through the bars all morning
Clementine 🐎: There's not a lot else to do in there
Friday 9 July
You: will you plait my tail tomorrow before the lorry. dev makes it look like a draught excluder
Clementine 🐎: Yes. Bring the good bands, not the ones that snap
You: and the glitter spray?
Clementine 🐎: No
Saturday 7 August
You: so dev's mum came to watch today
Clementine 🐎: Oh god
You: sat right by the rail. in a hat
You: and he was so careful with me in front of her I wanted to lie down in the sand
Clementine 🐎: Write the care plan
You: I'm not writing the care plan
Sunday 10 October
Clementine 🐎: He saw me
You: I know. imogen told the whole group
Clementine 🐎: Coming down the ramp. Nothing on but the harness
Clementine 🐎: Then he was on the rail for my whole test
Clementine 🐎: I missed a step right in front of the judge
You: I SAW. thought you'd trodden on something
Clementine 🐎: Then by the lorry he said he hadn't sorted the drainage
You: what does that even mean
Clementine 🐎: It's a long story
You: email him
Clementine 🐎: I can't just email a client
You: you can if it's about drainage
Sunday 14 November
Clementine 🐎: He ripped my good blouse
You: WHAT
You: wait. torch man?
Clementine 🐎: The blue one. Buttons all over his bedroom
You: and you're telling me this at 10am from
Clementine 🐎: His kitchen. He's making more toast
You: MORE??
Clementine 🐎: Long night
You: I'm so proud of you I could cry
Saturday 27 November
You: so I did it
Clementine 🐎: Did what
You: the care plan
You: left it on his pillow. goals, interventions, the lot. numbered. with a body map
Clementine 🐎: A BODY MAP?
You: I shaded the areas requiring attention
You: he read it in bed and didn't say a word and then he got up and went and got the crop
Clementine 🐎: !!!
You: I can't sit down
You: happiest I've been in a year
Clementine 🐎: Me too
Clementine 🐎: I'm at his. Staying till Monday
2022
Saturday 5 March
Clementine 🐎: Sorry about today
You: sorry?? I was in the next box. I heard EVERYTHING
You: the bells laura. THE BELLS
Clementine 🐎: He took forty minutes to tack me up and I was dripping by the crotch strap and he fucked me against the box wall before we'd got anywhere near the arena
Clementine 🐎: First Saturday with him handling and we did no training at all
You: kev went and sat in his van
Clementine 🐎: Kev couldn't look at me when we came out
You: kev needs to get out more
Wednesday 23 March
Clementine 🐎: He's oiled all my tack. Every strap. Took him four hours in front of the snooker
You: marry him
Clementine 🐎: He did the armbinder laces twice because he wasn't happy with the first go
You: I'm serious. there's a collar shop in Lewes
Sunday 10 April
Clementine 🐎: Out. Wyncombe. FOURTH
You: I know!! I was there. you looked like you were going to burst
Clementine 🐎: And he asked me what I wanted as a reward
You: and
Clementine 🐎: Him in my arse. With the tail out
You: LAURA
Clementine 🐎: It's the only time the tail ever comes out. It feels like an occasion
You: an OCCASION
Clementine 🐎: Anyway he's written it on my card. In his handwriting. Under Handling
You: written WHAT on your card
Clementine 🐎: "Likes anal as a reward on show day"
Clementine 🐎: Kev read it out loud in the tack room
You: I'm crying. poor kev
Thursday 18 August
You: dev brought the crop to the dinner table
Clementine 🐎: Why?
You: I put my elbows on it
You: best lasagne of my life
2023
Monday 2 October
Clementine 🐎: He still won't let me see the stable block
Clementine 🐎: Says the builders are in
You: are they
Clementine 🐎: There hasn't been a van on the drive for three weeks
Clementine 🐎: I'm a surveyor Becca. I can see from the lane that the roof's on
You: maybe he wants it to be a surprise
Clementine 🐎: It's a tack room. How surprising can a tack room be
You: LAURA
Clementine 🐎: What
You: nothing. carrow down saturday. go to bed